Deck the Mall/Script
mall is all set up for Christmas. A brass band is playing standards, a giant tree is set up near the entrance, and kids are lined up to see Santa. Meanwhile, Jen is working hard at the Penalty Box. Caitlin: "So, what do you want for Christmas?" Jen: "You haven't started shopping yet? Are you crazy?!? You'll be buried alive!" Caitlin: "Funny, that's what Jonesy said when he sent me to pick up his secret Santa gift for you." Jen: "You mean he's not even buying my gift himself?" sighing "Jerk." the customer "Okay. Two leg goalie pads in size 16, and a Leafs jersey in an 8." Usher: "No, I wanted the goalie pads in an 8, and the jersey in a 16. I'm on a break, can you speed it up?" Penalty Box Customer: Jen on the shoulder "Excuse me, miss? Could you just have a quick peek for my tennis balls? I think they're in. Could you just have a quick boo? A little lookie?" Jen: off "Right. Just a minute, sir." Caitlin: talking to Jen "I was thinking we could do our secret Santa at Grind Me. That way, we could sip hot chocolates while we open presents." Jen: Stanley fires shuttlecocks at her "Caitlin, I really don't have time for this right now." shuttlecock hits her forehead. "Ow!" Yummy Mummy: cooing "Isn't that cute? I think he wants to learn badminton!" Jen: "Adorable. I'll wrap it up for you." gritted teeth "I hope he plays with it in the house!" Coach Halder: "MASTERSON! CUSTOMER NEEDS A FITTING FOR A NEW JOCKSTRAP! AISLE THREE! STAT!" looks over. Stuart Goldstein is trying on a jockstrap. She then looks around the store at all the waiting customers, who seem to swim before her eyes. Making up her mind, she puts down the items. Jen: "I'll be right back." leaves the store and heads for the elevator. Getting there, she makes sure nobody gets on. Jen: the doors "I don't think so." waits until the doors close, and then: Jen: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I HATE WORKING CHRISTMAS! I HATE WORKING CHRISTMAS! STUPID, ANNOYING, PUSHY, LAST-MINUTE CUSTOMERS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" doors open on the next floor, and she gets off. Jen: cheerfully "Merry Christmas." ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''Deck the Mall' ---- ''and Jude are decorating the Big Squeeze while Jen rests her head on the table. Caitlin: "So what do you think?" Jen: "You really wanna know? I hate it." Caitlin: "Snappish! Are you okay?" Jude: "Yeah, you don't look so good." Jen: "I'm fine." Caitlin: "Nuh-uh. I've seen you live through inventory without even messing up your hair. Something's wrong." Jen: "I'm sorry, I just can't get into the holidays this year." Jude: "This is the first Christmas since the big parental split, huh?" Jen: "Yeah." Caitlin: "That's so harsh." Jen: "But that's not the worst of it!" Jude: "Whaddaya mean?" Jen: "I didn't want to tell you guys, but Jonesy's dad and my mom are kind of...dating." and Caitlin gasp. Jude: "Whoa." Caitlin: "No way. Why didn't you tell us?" Jen: "I don't know. I just don't like picturing my parents going on dates. It's weird." Caitlin: "It's totally weird!" Jude: "I wonder if they kiss with tongue?" Jen and Caitlin: "Eww!" Caitlin: "Oh, Jude!" Jude: "What? Did you think they were gonna stay your innocent little parents forever?" Jen: "Any''way, my dad's away, so my sister Courtney and I have to spend Christmas break with Jonesy and his stinky brothers. And they have all these stupid traditions we're expected to adopt or something!" '''Caitlin:' "At least you and Jonesy are friends." Jen: "Trust me, spending an entire weekend with him is a completely different thing. You do not know disgusting until you share a bathroom with three boys. It's so rank after they leave, you don't even have time to make a face. You just go blind." Caitlin: "Eww, gross! Are they all like that?" Jude: "Pretty much." Jonesy: up "Great news, guys. Santa's ulcers are acting up!" Caitlin: "That's good?" Jonesy: "Good for me. The job's up for grabs and it's a sweet deal! You get to sit on your butt all day! Wish me luck." Jen: after him "That is what I have to look forward to. I might as well accept that it's never going to be the same." Caitlin: "Well, we'll just make our own super-fun Christmas tradition here! The mall closes early, so why don't we all do something fun after presents like go for pizza?" Jude: "Sounds like a plan, Stan. Sick." Jen: "We're supposed to come right home after work. Besides, right now I can't wait to get out of this mall." looks at a Santa hat. "I'm not wearing that." Caitlin: "It's Christmas! Put it on! Put it on!" Jen: "Okay, okay." puts it on. "Happy?" Caitlin: "And, I know you're busy, so I'll help you do your shopping. C'mon!" Jude: them off "Go ahead, dudettes, I've got presents to wrap." a basketball "You're gonna make someone very happy tomorrow, Mr. Ball." ---- is finding that it's impossible to wrap a basketball. Jude: "Okay, you're starting to get on my nerves, dude!" hears a giggle and looks up. Nikki is snickering at him. Suddenly, the movie usher from before runs past, humming, and accidentally pushes Nikki into her seat. Nikki: "Hey! Watch where you're going, monkey boy!" Jude "Everyone has lost it. Working at the mall on Christmas bites!" Jude: "Hey, did you hear about Jen and Jonesy's parents hooking up? Jen's kind of freaking out." Nikki: "I don't blame her! So if they got married, that would make Jen and Jonesy stepsiblings?" Jude: "Yeah. Weird, huh?" tries to pry himself off of the ball, which he has somehow taped to himself. Nikki: "Poor Jen." gets the ball loose, and it goes flying and hits someone. Penalty Box Customer: "Ow." Jude: "Aw, man, that's the third one I've lost today!" Nikki: "Who was that for?" Jude: "A special guy I like to call 'me'." Nikki: "Jude! You're not supposed to be shopping for you right now!" Jude: "I can't help it! Everything's so shiny and looks so good!" Nikki: "Yeah, well, I've got three hours to find something for my mom, who will hate whatever I buy anyway, so why do I bother?" Jen: with Caitlin "Just get her a gift certificate." Nikki: "I heard about your mom." Jude: Nikki "Do you think they kiss with tongue?" Caitlin, Jen, and Nikki: "Jude!" Jen: "Ugh! Speaking of gross, did I mention that Jonesy's family have a turkey-eating contest?" Jude: "The secret is to eat as much as you can in the first seven minutes, before your brain registers that your stomach's full." Jen: "Thanks." Jude: "Anytime." Nikki: "So why don't you just tell Jonesy you're not into it?" Caitlin: ringing "Be right back." up "Hello?" Jen: "Because my mom made this big deal about making the boys feel welcome. Urgh! It's so Brady Bunch!" Caitlin: up "Guess what guys! Jonesy got the job at Santa's Village!" Jen: "Gee, maybe if I'm really lucky, he'll wear his Santa suit home!" Caitlin: "Let's all go see him!" other three stare at her. "C'mon, we'll grab everyone! It'll be fun!" Nikki: "Oh, why not continue the holiday horror. Hey, where's Wyatt?" Jen: "Last time I saw him he was in the lineup at Grind Me." Caitlin "You do not want to be around him before he's caffeinated!" ---- is at the front of the line. Jen and Caitlin walk up to him. Caitlin: "Hey!" Jen: "Yo, what's up?" Wyatt: groaning "If I wasn't so tired, I'd be laughing at those hats." Caitlin: "He is grumpy." Charmaine: "One no-foam extra-tall cappuccino." takes the drink with a sigh of relief. He is about to take his first sip when the Penalty Box Customer rushes by and knocks it out of Wyatt's hand. The hot drink spills all over Wyatt's sweater. Wyatt: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ---- gang minus Jonesy goes down to Santa's Village. Wyatt: "I feel weak. Is my hand shaking?" Caitlin: "Don't worry, guys, this is so gonna cheer you all up." gang gasps when they spot Jonesy. He is wearing a garish elf costume. Wyatt: "Oh, my lord." Jude: "Whoa." Nikki: "Well that cheered me up." looks over. Jonesy: "Aw, man..." Wyatt: chuckling "Nice look, Jonesy!" Jude: "Go easy on him, bro. Poor dude can't find his pants." cracks up. Jonesy: "I hate Christmas." ---- and Jude are standing next to the brass band, trying to have a conversation. Wyatt: "Where should we look next?" Jude: "What did you say?" Wyatt: shouting "I said, where should we look? For Caitlin's present?" Jude: shouting "Huh?" Wyatt: the bandleader "I'll give you $6.75 if you stop playing!" bandleader stops the band, takes the money, and moves on. ---- and Wyatt enter the Khaki Barn. Jude: "Maybe I can find something for Caitlin in here." The Clones: them "Khaki Holidays!" Kristen: "Give it!" Kirsten: "Get it!" Chrissy: "Got it!" The Clones: "Yeah!" Kristen: "Need a gift? Get them the 'Somebody Loves Me' sweater. The cast of The OC wears them in our ads." Kirsten: "It's perfect for everyone!" Kristen: "Yeah, and...if you don't get one, it means nobody loves you." creeped out, backs away. Jude: "Really? Heavy. I'll take one in the chick size, and one in my dude size." Wyatt: his throat "Ahumbahem." Jude: "But dude, it's the 'Somebody Loves Me' sweater. What if I don't get one?" narrows his eyes. "Fine. I'll just take the chick one. Now, where can I find Nikki?" Kristen: "The grinch? Changing room duty." Jude: "Be right back." Kirsten: to Kristen "Do I have one of these already?" Kristen: squealing "Yes, but buy another!" Kirsten: "Okay. I am so incredibly loved." The Clones: "EEEEEE!" Wyatt: after Jude "Please hurry." opens the changing room door on Nikki, who is wearing a pair of antlers. Nikki: "Jude! What are you doing here?" Jude: "Getting a Love Me sweater, what are you doing here?" Nikki: "Ugh! Hiding. They think I'm helping someone." Jude: "Do you think this is a good gift?" Nikki: "Ugh! Ooh. Well, it depends on whether the recipient is someone who'd rather be a fashion sheep or an individual." Jude: "It's for Caitlin." Nikki: "It's perfect. Now scram before they catch me!" shoves Jude away and slams the door. The Clones: "Khaki Holidays!" Nikki: "Ugh." ---- is struggling with gift wrap when Caitlin arrives, bags in her arms. Caitlin: "Guess what! I got my gift for Jude, your gift for Wyatt, Jonesy's gift for you, and Nikki's gift for me!" Jen: "What about the lineup?" Caitlin: "I'm a professional. And you haven't seen aggressive shoppers 'till you've been to a sample sale." Jen: up "Ugh! This is impossible!" Caitlin: "Let me do it. I'm a master wrapper." takes the golf club. Jen's phone rings. Jen: "Ho ho ho, whaddya want?" Jonesy: "It's me. Don't forget to grab the hockey socks for the Jonesy family tradition three-legged race around the tree okay gotta go." hangs up. Jen: "Ugh! I can't keep pretending I'm into all of this! I just want to have things the way they were." Santa: up to the counter "Excuse me young lady, can I get these in another size?" Jen: "Take a number, tubby!" leaves, shocked. Caitlin gasps. Caitlin: "You just told off Santa Claus! Wow. You must be really bummed." Jen: "Jonesy hasn't even asked what I'' wanna do for Christmas!" '''Caitlin:' "At least he has Christmas spirit..." ---- mall Santa has just finished with Stanley. He gives Stanley a candy cane and sends Stanley on his way. Mall Santa: "Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!" Stanley: Jonesy "Nice tights." Jonesy: the candy cane "That's it, don't expect anything from Santa. I'm putting you on his naughty little brat list." lip begins to quiver. Jonesy looks over and spies Yummy Mummy. "Hello, Yummy Mummy." goes over. Ruffling Stanley's hair "Hey kid, you forgot your candy cane." Stanley aside "So, beautiful, have you been naughty or nice?" angered by Jonesy's actions, pulls down his tights, revealing some very tight leopard-skin briefs. Jonesy: "Hey!" Mummy gasps and slaps him. Yummy Mummy: "Pervert!" the mall Santa "This elf was trying to pick me up!" Mall Santa: "You're fired! I want you out of my village now!" Jonesy: "But–I'm your little helper!" blows a raspberry at him. "Oh, I'm gonna get you, kid!" mall Santa blocks him. "That's it, this Christmas officially sucks!" ---- gang are slumped around their table. Jude: "I'm so bagged." Jonesy: smarting "I would've totally scored that Yummy Mummy if it hadn't been for these stupid tights." Caitlin: wanting to argue "Right. So, did you guys find your secret Santa presents?" and Jude hold theirs up. Wyatt: "I had to fight off six psycho bargain hunters for that." Caitlin: "Okay, grumpy bears." out a box of drinks "Christmas cheer for all! Help yourselves." takes a drink. After the first sip, their faces blanch. Nikki: "That's awful! What is that?" Caitlin: disappointed "The eggnog candy cane smoothie." pours the drink out. "I thought it'd be festive." Nikki: "Sorry. Last minute shoppers annoy me. It's not like Christmas just surprises you! It's on the same day every year, for sobbing out loud! And if I hear 'Deck the Halls' one more time, I'm gonna kill myself!!!" then, the brass band comes by, playing the aforementioned song. Nikki grabs her glass and slings it at the band. It flies into the tuba and sticks there, stopping the song. Caitlin: "That wasn't very Christmaslike!" Wyatt: "I'm with Nikki. Working here has stomped all the holiday cheer I had into the ground!" mall Santa comes by, leading a train of kids. Jonesy: him "Ho ho ho, look at me, I'm Santa! I can fire elves!" Caitlin: "Okay guys, I know you all hate Christmas right now, so let's all do something fun together!" Jonesy: "I could sneak us into a movie for free." gasps and runs over to hug Jonesy. Caitlin: "Shut up! That would be so great!" Nikki: "I promised I'd go straight home." Jonesy: "C'mon, guys, stop being so lame!" Caitlin: begging "Please please please? Two hours and then you can go. It'll be our own little Christmas Eve party!" Wyatt: "I could skip the annual Trivial Pursuit game. My uncle cheats." Jude: "Cool. I'm in." Nikki: "Eh, what the heck." Caitlin: the presents by the Big Squeeze "This is gonna be just like a Saturday night, only Christmasier!" Jonesy: "Meet you guys out front, I've gotta go return this costume." Nikki: "Oh, but it's so sexy!" Jonesy: "Back atcha, Rudolph." leaves. Nikki angrily throws her antlers on the table. Caitlin: "C'mon, guys, let's go!" five leave for the multiplex, leaving their presents behind. ---- six are standing in the middle of the theater foyer when Wyatt looks around and spots a coffee stand. Wyatt: "This may be the best idea ever!" heads over, but a line suddenly forms. "What the–" walks away and rejoins his friends. They stare at the movie board. Caitlin: "This is so great, Jonesy. Think we can agree on a movie?" Jonesy: "Sure." Wyatt: "Yeah." Nikki: "No problem." ---- few minutes later, an argument has broken out. Jen: indignant "So what makes your movie so much better than mine?" Jonesy: "Easy! Mine's about hot chicks and spies, yours is about a bunch of sweaty dudes climbing rocks." Jude: "It's better than Wyatt's pick." Wyatt: "Just because none of you actually read doesn't mean you wouldn't like the adaptation of Longest Hour." Nikki: "More like the longest three hours." Caitlin: some candy canes "It's all good. We'll settle this the only fair way. Everybody draw." ---- gang is standing near the doorway to a theater. The sounds of a car revving can be heard. Actor: "I race cars because for those sixty seconds, nothing else matters. Not even the babes." Nikki: Jude "I can't believe we're watching Torque 2: More Torque!" Jude: "I won fair and square, suckas!" Nikki: whispering "Where are our seats?" Jonesy: "I said I could get us in for free, I didn't say anything about seats." Caitlin: "No biggie, we'll just sit in the aisles." move into the aisles and quickly find it's rather uncomfortable. Wyatt: "Dude, my foot!" Jude: "Sorry, man!" Wyatt: "I can't see squat!" six sit rather uncomfortably. Suddenly, Jen notices she has gum stuck to her butt and stands up to try and get it off. Jonesy: "Jen, move! I can't see past your butt!" Jen: "I never would've come if I knew I'd have to sit on the floor!" Jude: whispering "What's got her creased?" Jonesy: whispering "Something about me leaving the toilet seat up last night?" Jen: "I FELL IN!" Charmaine: "Ugh!" elbows her boyfriend. "I hate it when you do that!" Jen: "See? And by the way, it smelled like a cat died in there." Caitlin: "Ew!" Jude: "Chili fries?" nods. Caitlin: quietly "I'll get the gum out later. Let's just sit and enjoy the movie, okay?" sits down. Wyatt: "We can try. Adrenaline-junkie guys driving cars fast. Gee, can you say lowest-common denominator?" Jude: "Not all the drivers are guys. Some of them are hot babes." Jonesy: Jude "Aw yeah." Moviegoer: "Be quiet!" Other Moviegoer: "Yeah, shut up!" Caitlin: up "I'm so sorry, we'll be more qui–" a hot guy "–yuh-hu-hut. Hey there." sits down. Unfortunately, she sits on Jude's skateboard. "Uh. Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!" rolls down. Jude: chase "Hold on!" Stuart Goldstein: "Ssh!" Nikki: "If you shush us one more time, I'm gonna–" usher shines a flashlight at her. "What?" Usher: "We've had six noise complaints. You're all going to have to leave." ---- six friends quietly file out of the theater. Nikki comes back in for a few seconds. Nikki: the theater "Vin Diesel gets in an accident and dies at the end. Enjoy!" crowd boos and throws things at Nikki, but she doesn't mind, as she's already gone. ---- gang walks through the deserted halls of the back ways of the shopping mall. Caitlin: "At least we still have the presents." gasps. "Oh no! The presents! I left them outside the lemon!" Jude: "Aw, man." Nikki: "Great." Caitlin: "What do you think the chances are that they're still there?" Nikki: "I'd say between slim and none, and slim just left town." Wyatt: Jonesy "Are you sure you know the way?" Jonesy: "Relax. This is the shortcut." ---- while later, the gang is still walking through the halls. Nikki: "We've been down this hallway like eight times now!" Jonesy: "No, we haven't." Wyatt: "Yes, we have." Jonesy: a door "Yes. Told you I'd find it." lets them out into the food court. Wyatt: "Does anyone notice anything strange?" Caitlin: gasping "It's closed! We must have been lost for longer than we thought." Jude: "The entrance!" and Wyatt go over but can't push it open. "It's locked!" Nikki: remembering "The mall closed at three today!" Jen: "Oh no. You mean we're locked. In?" Caitlin: "And the presents are gone!" begins to cry. Jonesy: "Okay. Let's be calm and–" at Caitlin "–not put the blame on anyone here." Jen: "As if! This is all your fault. Thanks to your stupid scams, we're spending Christmas Eve at the mall!" Jonesy: "Excuse me for trying to make everyone happy! And we wouldn't have gotten kicked out of the movie if you'd kept your big mouth shut." begins to cry again. Jen: worried "It was just a movie, Cait." Caitlin: away "It wasn't just a movie! It was supposed to be our Christmas together. You've all finally convinced me. Christmas does suck! I've been listening to you guys whine and fight all day while wearing myself out shopping for all your stupid gifts!" Jen: "You said it was a breeze." Caitlin: angry "I lied! I'm sick of trying to cheer everyone up. So if you guys want to just beat each other up, go ahead!" throws her Santa hat on the ground. "Knock yourselves out!" Jen: a pause "I'll take a crack at Jonesy." Jonesy: "Oh yeah? Ball up, stepsis!" Jen: "Don't call me that!" Caitlin: "See? This is what I'm talking about. You two are so lucky! I used to wish for a brother or sister and you've got like five of them! It would be so fun to have a big family at Christmas! Even if they did have stupid turkey-eating contests you didn't want to be in." Jonesy: "You don't want to be in our turkey-eating contest?" Jen: "Not really. I mean, I can handle our parents dating, but you can't just take over everything!" Jonesy: "I guess we did kind of take over the family thing." Jen: a beat "Okay, maybe I can be a bit more flexible. The stocking race sounds kinda cool." Jude: yawning "Whoa, heavy emo action." Wyatt: Caitlin "You okay?" Caitlin: nodding "Mmm-hmm. Sorry I went postal there, guys. I just wanted to have a big Christmas for once. Kind of a stupid idea, huh?" Wyatt: "No way. It was a great idea." Caitlin: "It was better before all our presents got stolen! Thanks to me." Jude: "Who cares? We're still friends." and Nikki nod assent. "You gotta be pretty stoked about that." Caitlin: "Jude! That was so sweet!" Nikki: "Um, I hate to break up this moment, but it looks like none of us will be suffering through our usual celebrations? We're locked in the mall, remember?" Jude: "Oh yeah. What're we gonna do?" Wyatt: an idea "Jonesy, when you were working security, didn't you take a copy of the master key?" Jonesy: "Oh yeah." it "Oh yeah!" Jude: "Can't believe Ron the Rent-a-Cop trusted you with a key that opens all the doors in the mall! Including the exit! We can go home!" Jonesy: "Oh no we can't. Not yet. Guys, we have the master key, and we have the entire mall to ourselves?" teens cheer and proceed to have a mall party. Along the way, Wyatt finally gets some coffee. ---- gang are relaxing outside Santa's village. Jude comes up with a gift-wrapped box. Jude: "Guess what I just found? Free presents!" Jonesy: "Jude." Jude: "Dude." hi-five. Caitlin: "Hey, that looks familiar..." examines the box. "I knew it! That's my present for Nikki!" Nikki: a candy cane "Well it's about time." Jude: "I found 'em over here." leads them to a bin full of presents. Caitlin: "It's the lost and found! Our Christmas is saved!" Wyatt: "It's not the lost and found. It's a donation box. Gifts will be picked up Christmas day and distributed to those in need." Caitlin: "Anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?" Jen: "Yeah. Let's leave them here." Jonesy: "Here's those Christmas noogies you ordered!" gives her brotherly love. Jen: "Aah! Jonesy! Stop it!" Jude: "I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. When they open my present, they'll think I love 'em." Caitlin: gasping "You bought me the 'Somebody Loves Me' sweater! In what color?" Jude: "Pink." Caitlin: over to hug him "Thank you! You guys are the best." Nikki: "Now I remember why I don't hate working at the mall." and Wyatt hug. Jonesy: "We better get home. Bobbing for presents has probably already started." Jen: "Cool. Let's go." six leave the mall happily. ---- of the friends except Jen are gathered around the table. Wyatt takes a sip of his coffee and sighs. Wyatt: "I really needed that." Jen: with a trophy "Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in history, a non-relative walked away with Jonesy's Family Christmas Cup!" Jonesy: "I'll get it back next year. And by the way, you do not want to know what the bathroom smelt like after Miss Champion Turkey-Eater here got through with it." Nikki, Jude, Caitlin and Wyatt: "Eww!" sighs, sits down, and draws her hood in shame. Jude: "Use my seven-minute tip?" Jen: embarrassed "Yes." Caitlin: "Well, this is definitely my most memorable Christmas. So, should we make getting locked in the mall our new tradition?" Jonesy: "Oh yeah." Wyatt: "Mall's opening any minute. Finally things'll get back to normal." Caitlin: "Wait. Isn't there some tradition that happens the day after Christmas?" gang thinks about it. The clock hits ten and dongs. The ground starts to rumble, and the teens stand up as they realize exactly what's going on. Caitlin, Jen, Jude, Wyatt, Nikki, and Jonesy: panicking "BOXING DAY!!!" Category:Season 1